This Was Most Untriumphant

Transcript of Gmail chat with Ryan Manning

ryan: the golden bear

me: hey man

ryan: how are you

me: i'm good, how are you?

ryan: i am fucked existentially

me: why's that?

ryan: i don't know

me: I'm sorry

ttb

ryan: no worries

what about him

me: he is going to kick my ass in our match

im scared

i am fucked existentially

ryan: whenme: we have a reading/wrestling match coming up

ryan: aren't professional wrestlers only supposed to fake wrestle

me: no

it's real

it's damn real

ryan: hahai don't know about that



ryan: isn't that why it's called world wrestling entertainment

everyone knows the matches are rigged

me: did you watch that video?

because I am existentially open-hand slapping you right now

Ryan went on to say that he disliked the Jaguar Uprising, and the only way any of this will have any value is if it is turned into art.
Well guess what Ryan Manning.

Wrestling is art.

Exclusive Interview

Important-Ass News Interviewed His Mysticness. I interrupted.

BREAKING ANNOUNCEMENT

This Bear is back.







See what started this ruckus in the first place.

Dear TTB,

Fuck You.

Uhh, What the fuck?

So, I left the couch for a few days and I found this video on my computer. It looks like poderoso was having a bit of fun with iMovie. Yikes. He's such a weird dude. Anyway, last night he tried to convince me to appear in one of the "shiza videos" he's always taking about.

The Golden Bear isn't really down with pooping on anyone, or having anyone poop on him. In fact, the whole situation kind of grosses the Golden Bear out. Plus, the fucking 400 dollar couch is lumpy.

As many of you know, I have recently published a book. It is available for sale at http://www.jaguaruprisingpress.com. It has done well in the first few days. So well that I have made quite a lot of jack. I pocketed the money, said "fuck it", and blew the fuck out of Hollywood so fast it would make your head spin.

I have bought and airplane ticket to Beijing. I'm going to the olympics and I'm winning a gold medal. I'll see you motherfuckers later.

Shameless Self Promotion

Read my book here. Buy my book here.

I like parts of my book a lot. There are other parts that I don't like very much. So, if you are strapped for time, read the good parts. Maybe I will rank the parts I like best, in order, so if you are strapped for time or lazy or don't care, you can read the best parts and think that I am totally fucking amazing at writing.

1.) The Dogs Are in The Yard and The Garage Door is Open is maybe the best thing I have ever written, that's why it's the first chapter. Read that.

2.) The Showcase of the Immortals is bloated and over the top, but that's ok because it's about Wrestlemania and Wrestlemania is over the top. This might be the most fun chapter in the book. So if you are not in the mood to read about murders or suicide, maybe that's the chapter for you.

3.) The death scenes are very intense. I tried to write them matter of factly, but it is hard sometimes because I think I am a good person.

4.) If you start at chapter 6 and continue through chapter 20, you will probably learn a lot about Chris Benoit and why I thought he did what he did. I think he was tired and sore and he had a fucked up brain and it all got to be too much for him. I don't know though. You will also learn about other pro wrestling deaths, and they are sad as well.

5.) R.I.P. Owen.



So, there you have it. Like I said, I think there are good parts and bad parts. All in all, I tried pretty hard to do my best, and I don't know if I am finished or not. Now, all I want to do is write poetry about Walrus', toothpaste, and fruity pebbles.

If you read or buy my book you should email me at thegoldenbearsofficialemail.gmail.com and tell me what you think. Suggestions, comments, concerns, all of that.

Thank you, and now back to your regularly scheduled golden bearing.

The Time Has Come 6/11

Six Eleven. The Jaguars Have Done it. http://www.jaguaruprisingpress.com Get ready world, we're coming for the belts.

Important Non-Storyline Related Content

It's official. Noah Cicero has written a book and he wants to beat up my friend Daryl. Welcome, Noah, to the uprising.

A Bit More Poderoso

La Arana Poderoso is six foot 8 inches tall. He is skinny. Very skinny. He wears a mask for legal reasons, it hides his true identity. A few years back La Arana Poderoso had an unfortunate encounter involving a a video camera and a 17 year old girl. Hounded by the police and the local PTA, he was forced to flee his home in Kansas City, Missourah for Hollywood.

La Arana Poderoso has got himself back on his feet for the most part, and he has grown used to the mask. It hides the scars he feels on his heart, hides the shame he has buried deep inside his heart.

La Arana Poderoso is sorry, so sorry.

The Golden Bear Is All Over the Fucking Internet

I was interviewed by a man named Mike who co-owns the blog The Farside, Sorry Gary. Some parts of this interview are funny. In other parts I make fun of Zachary German. On the whole, I am happy with it.

WAIT, THERE IS MORE:

The Industry, Mike Bushnell, has posted some promo's from the Vault. Take a look. My promo is last. I think all the promo's are very good. I miss the Industry and TTB. They are doing good work. The Jaguar Uprising press is coming. I am getting published. 6/11, 6/11, 6/11.

Hollywood is hard. I am working at a deli. I work all the time. I am working right now, but we have wireless internet access and my boss is taking a poop so I am updating my blog.

Video of La Arana Poderoso coming soon.

I love you all.

How I Met La Arana Poderoso

I met La Arana Poderoso the other night.

I was sitting on a stool in a bar, drinking a Bud Light. The counter of the bar was long, and I was at the far end, sitting as far away from everyone as possible. I was moping because I was the Golden Bear and I was in Hollywood, California. The Golden Bear had no friends, The Golden Bear had no job, and the Golden Bear had very few Golden dollars. I told the bartender my life's story. His name was Joe. He felt sorry for me and gave me a few beers for free. The beers made me feel worse about myself.

As I sat there drinking beer and wallowing in my self-loathing, I watched the bar fill up. All sorts of people came in from the street. They'd get their drinks and smile and put a few dollars on the table for the bartender. I watched them all come in and I felt sad. I looked down into my Bud Light and stared at the bubbles.

The bar filled up and started to get loud. The Lakers were playing the San Antonio Spurs and people were watching the game on a big-television mounted behind the bar. They were shouting and yelling for the Lakers to win. There was an energy. The noise and the excitement and the alcohol created an invisible, infectious fog; a sort of power that swept through the bar. As I sat there, staring into my beer, I felt something. Something I hadn't felt in so long. Something deep inside of my golden heart.

It was a memory. A night in the past where the energy and the noise and excitement had belonged to me. A night where I had grabbed that energy by it's throat and wrestled it to the ground.

A night when I was THE GOLDEN BEAR!
(...thegoldenbear!)

That night I stood on a table made of wood and I looked at T.T.B. There were red solo scattered at our feet. I looked at him, his blue eyes, his American flag bandana. There were people crowded into the small room and the were looking up at us. Some where afraid. Some were confused. Most were drunk.

I had to do something.

I put my size nine New Balance into T.T.B's mystic stomach. He doubled over in pain. I grabbed his mystic neck. I screamed "THE GOLDEN BEAR!" and I pulled down hard on his neck. Then I Stone-Cold Stunnered his mystic ass right through the fucking table and onto the black and white linoleum floor.

I lay on my bed of wood, beer and red solo cups. I could hear the roar of the crowd. It was mine. Their energy belonged to me. I was the Golden Bear and I was conducting the symphony. I was Mr. Holland and this was my opus.

I shook that golden memory from my golden head. I looked down at my beer. I looked up at the mirror behind the bar. I saw my face. I looked back down at my beer. I grabbed the beer and threw it as hard as I could at the mirror.

I stood up stood up on the bar and I yelled my name.

I said,

"I am the Golden Bear and I am the most adorable wrestler in the world".

I brushed off my shoulders and I raised my head to the heavens.

On the other end of the bar, something stood up. It was tall and skinny. It had a red face and large white teeth. The Golden Bear didn't know what it was. But The Golden Bear knew enough to be afraid. Afraid but ready.



The thing said,

"I am La Arana Poderoso and I know who you are golden bear. I am the lord of the liars and I am the ugliest wrestler you've ever seen. I have come here tonight to destroy you, Golden Bear."

It's voice was high and it hissed as it raised it's long bony finger, beckoning me closer.

I knew what I had to do. I ran towards it, knocking over beer bottles and spilling mixed drinks under my feet. I ran until he was right in front of me. I leap into the air, wrapped my hands around his waist, and drove my shoulder into his stomach. I speared him off the end of the bar.

It was quiet for a moment, as we hung suspended in the air. Then it was loud again as we crashed through a plate glass window and on to the hard concrete pavement. I was bleeding and he was bleeding and neither of us could move because there were shards of glass everywhere. Everyone in the bar was screaming. I was bleeding and I couldn't move and I thought I broke my hand but I didn't care because I was The Golden Bear and I had done it again.

The Police came and took us both to jail.

The Golden Bear and La Arana Poderosa spent the night in a cell for fighting, destruction of property and disorderly conduct. The next night, The Golden Bear was sleeping on La Arana Poderosa's couch.

Senseless violence is weird but awesome way to make friends.

Back On My Two Golden Paws.

The last drawing was me, The Golden Bear, being sad and homeless in the front seat of my 1995 Ford Escort Station wagon, curled up in my pretty pink sleeping bag crying myself to sleep.

I am leaving all of that shit behind me. I have been sadder than Zachary German, I have been more depressed than Tao Lin. I almost changed my middle name to "bitch-ass"". I am not Zachary German, I am not Tao Lin, I am not The Golden "bitch-ass" Bear.

I am the most adorable wrestler in the world, and I am back on my two paws. I am the greatest. I am the best. I am back.

I am The Golden Bear and I am in Hollywood, California and last night I paid a man named "La Arana Poderosa" four hundred dollars to spend the summer sleeping on his couch.

Get ready Bear Brigade. It's almost time to rumble.

Thats Enough Of That.

You will never again see The Golden Bear like this.

I
am
THE GOLDEN BEAR!

and

(...thegoldenbear!)
is
back.

Shit.

Hollywood is bigger and scarier than than The Golden Bear initially thought. Still no house. Still no job. At least the weather is nice.

Today, The Golden Bear walked the Hollywood Walk of Fame because The Golden Bear had nothing better to do. I walked until I found Vince McMahon's star. I sat down next to it and hugged my legs to my body. I sat there staring at the star for like two hours. I thought about my life, and all the people I care about. Then I started to cry. There were lots of people passing me, and they gave me funny looks like I was crazy or something. I guess I sort of am.

The Golden Bear is trying to stay positive about everything, but it has been really hard. The Golden Bear has never really been on his Golden own before, and The Golden Bear didn't realize how much he needs Golden emotional contact with people. I haven't said anything to anyone except, "can The Golden Bear have an application please" for about five days now.

Last night I slept in my car. I got into my pink princess sleeping bag and I whispered, "(...thegoldenbear!)" over and over to myself until I fell asleep. Hearing the words out loud helped me remember that I am still alive.

The Golden Bear's dreams were full of tall wrought-iron gates and the comedian Dave Chappelle.

The Golden Bear woke up worried, afraid, and alone.

I am arrived.

The Golden Bear is very, very tired. I have made it to Hollywood, California. I have not really slept for three days. The Golden Bear's diet has consisted of amphetamines, Taco Bell Cheesy Gordita Crunches and Coca-Cola. Woof. I think I remember reading somewhere that if you stay awake for more than 48 hours you are certifiably crazy. In the spirit of this I have a few things to say:

Buddha Belly, Charge Card, Skyhook, Airplane, and Howard Stern's Penis.

Thank you, that is enough craziness for now.

The Golden Bear is now homeless, jobless, and totally alone. I am sitting in a Starbuck's using their free wireless internet. I need to sleep. I don't know where I am going to do this. Probably my car. I have my pink princess sleeping bag and a pillow, so I think I will be ok. I hope I don't get robbed or raped in my sleep. I am, after all, adorable.

If you are reading this and you live in Hollywood, please get a hold of me. I might need a place to stay for a few days until I can find a place to rent. I don't have enough money to pay for a hotel. My phone number is (630) 989-1827.

Thanks for reading, and pray for The Golden Bear.
(...thegoldenbear!)

BREAKING NEWS THE SECOND!!!!

The Golden Bear is still going to Hollywood. Welcome to day two.

BREAKING NEWS!!!!

The Golden Bear has gone to Hollywood. Stay tuned for updates.

Finally, The Golden Bear, has come back to New York City! Part Two!

We also met Kendra Grant Malone. The Industry, also pictured, has somehow managed to obtain her private diaries. The Golden Bear has read a few entries, and let me tell you they are hott. Hott with two t's. They are coming on Bore Parade. Be excited.

Finally, The Golden Bear, has come back to New York City!

We went to New York City. We met Tao Lin. Zachary German got drunk and told us he was gay. It was fun.

Update.

The Golden Bear is a proud bear.

More About Me

My name is The Golden Bear.

My middle name is now "beer pong" and my favorite food is blueberries.

Golden Beer Pong Bear loves blueberries.

Poetry:

The Golden Bear writes it with his golden tongue and his big, beautiful, golden lips.

My Middle Name is Action Figure

My momma named me Golden "Action Figure" Bear.

The World Will Respect Professional Wrestling

The Golden Bear is emo.

The Golden Bear still loves you, jezebel.

Two Tears for Sam Pink

TTB asked me to post this promo for him. He cant do it because his cloud doesn't have internet, its mysticness blocks out all the wireless signals. Even if TTB had good internet he probably couldn't post this, too busy crying and sleeping and being mystic and shit.

Anyway, I think the story is that a certain Sam Pink has pissed off the Mystic One. There has been rumors about a fistfight, but nothing has been confirmed. Stay tuned.





The American Mystic Man is certainly not making any friends.

Adorably Yours,
THE GOLDEN BEAR!
(...thegoldenbear!)

The Golden Bear is Twitterpated

Seriously.

Also, The Industry is on fire, and it looks like someone has it out for TTB.


Adorably,
The Golden Bear
(...thegoldenbear!)

The Jaguar Uprising.

We are coming for the belts.

The Gospel Of Tom Cruise

The Gospel of Tom Cruise Has Landed.
Only at Bore Parade

A Title Shot for Mr. Zachary German

Now That I Have Your Attention

(...thegoldenbear!)

Two Tears for Tao Lin

What we need up in herr

The Golden Bear thinks we need some Golden Video Promos.  Stay gold pony boy, stay gold.

My Apologies.

Bear Brigade. 

I miss you.

I have been gone for too long.

I have traveled 5,000 miles and I have found myself.

I am the Golden Bear.  I am the #1 contender for the title.  I am the greatest.  I am the best.  I am the most adorable professional wrestler in the world.

Good things are coming bears, stay tuned.

Holy Fucking Shit.

Ladies, the Golden Bear is just trying his best. Gentlemen, go fuck yourselves.

I am a bear with golden ears and golden paws. I am a bear that is golden and friendly and polite around others. I am a bear who smiles and gives high fives. I am a bear who sometimes breaks tables.

The kids love a high-fiving table breaking bear. The watch me on their TV's and they see all my golden fur and they want to be me. Their mothers let them watch because I am an adorable bear that preaches about family values, honesty, and solving conflicts peacefully. I am a welcome change from the rest of the mystic world of simulated violence and money that lies at the heart of the wrestling industry.

And I am a way better role model than Darryl "I hit nine home runs today so I am going to snort nine lines off the bare asses of nine different prostitutes in celebration" Strawberry.

In conclusion. I believe that I deserve a title shot. I am going to get one. Even if that means chasing the Industry across this country, I am getting my title shot. I am winning my belt. It's gold and I am golden.

Adorably,
-Cpt. Candor
-Sul. Sincerity
-Gen. Genuineness

(...tHegolDenbEAr?)

Oh, yes.

First, there are some things about me that you must know:

My name is Joe Lindsay a.k.a The Golden Bear (...thegoldenbear!), and I am just trying my best.

There are also some things you must know about The Golden Bear:

The Golden Bear loooves to party.

The Golden Bear knows how to shake his groove thing.

The Golden Bear is not afraid of a guy who cries too much, or of a guy who snorts coke too much. The Golden Bear cries, but only when he means it. The Golden Bear likes coke, but he would rather drink it.

The Golden Bear is a little afraid of the Industry. The Golden Bear knows that the Industry has the power. Win or lose, he decides. The Golden Bear has seen the Industry break bodies, break souls. The Golden Bear is afraid because The Golden Bear loves himself. The Golden Bear does not want to become just another name on the overflowing list of names that the Industry has swallowed up and spit back out.

The Golden Bear is going to be ok. I am trying my best, remember? The Golden Bear is ok because The Golden Bear loves the industry. But the Golden Bear Loves his fans, his bear brigade, more. And The Golden Bear would never do anything to let all the little bears down. So The Golden Bear is going to take a deep breath, and the Golden Bear is going to be brave.

Brave.

Everything The Golden Bear has said is The Golden truth.

Captainofcandorsultanofsinceritygeneralofgenuiness,
THE GOLDEN BEAR,
(...thegoldenbear!)

P.S. Daaaaaarrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyylllllllllll!

Letter of Resignation

To all those who I love more than they can ever know,

It has come to this.

There is a time in every man’s life where he must discover what makes him. When he must journey into the center of himself to find out what makes him a man.

I stand on the edge of that journey. My feet scattering rocks over the edge, I look down into the dark depth of my own soul. I must walk that empty blackness, and from the pit of my own heart I must mine my great treasure. I must pull forth a stunning, epic, and shining piece of myself. A testament to all that I am, and all that I hope to someday be.

I will be traveling across land. Driving the endless highways that span this country, hoping that somewhere in this mess of malls and museums, of billboards and bandlands, of praries and parking lots, I may find myself.

It is a journey that I am scared to make. A journey that takes me so far from everything I know, from everything I hold dear. It is a journey west, chasing the sun into the ever-expanding heart of America.

It is a journey that will keep me from you.

I am Joseph Woodley Lindsay, and I am writing to announce my resignation, writing to announce my departure. I am leaving. I am turning my back on everything I know. I am betting the house on this one last great effort to make myself into the man that I know I can be.

It is a decision that was not easy to make. I cried in my bed last night. I haven’t cried since I was a senior in high school and my Dad came home from work and I was sitting on the front porch and he sat down next to me and put his hand on my back and I leaned over and let my guts flow out through my eyes.

I cried because I know that his is the right decision. This is the path that I have to take. I want you to know I love you. I will be with you. I am a part of everything that is you.

Listen closely to the wind, it holds my prayers and my encouragements, shouted southeastward some from some distant, lonesome, Nebraska plain.

Friends, Countrymen, I journey to find The Golden Bear.


With Love and Regret,

Joseph Woodley Lindsay

Honest.

Joseph Woodley Lindsay

"The Golden Bear"

Hometown:

Elmhurst, Illinois

Heritage:

English, Irish, African

Religion:

Catholic

Sex:

Yes, please.

Height:

5ft, 9 in

Weight:

175 lbs.

Finishing and Signature Manuevers:

The Hibernator (Modified Frog Splash)

Bear Brigade Blast (Springboard Cutter)

Notable Feuds:

The Industry

Two Tears Boye

Notable Friendships:

Joe "An Italian Postman Dressed Like Bill Cosby if Bill Cosby Wore a Large White Welding Mask. He Is Killing A Hamster in His Right Hand While He Swings a Hammer Around in His Left. He is Listening to Stevie Wonder" Tocci

Interesting Fact:

The Golden Bear is not just a highly decorated athelete. He is a highly decorated citizen as well. The Golden Bear currently holds three civillian titles. He is the Captain of Candor, the Sultan of Sincerity, and, the General of Genuiness.

Ladies:

Cellular Telephone: (630) 989-1827

Childhood Home Telephone: (630) 832-4614

Mailing Address:

P.O. Box 993

Hampshire College

Amherst, MA 01002

Official Blog:

http://thegoldenbearsofficialblog.blogspot.com/

For The Fans

Just to let you all know, I, The Golden Bear, will be doing a free autograph session this evening. Starting at nine, I will be signing autographs for two hours in room 59E, Enfield House, Hampshire College, Amherst, Massachusetts, 01002.

All greetings will be personalized. There is limited merchandise available, so it is suggested you bring your own.

Hope to see you all there.

T.G.B.
(...t.g.b.!)

P. the fuck S.

Title Shot!

An Open Letter to the Internet

Dear Internet,
My name is the Golden Bear. I am the most adorable wrestler in the world. Just thought I'd let you know.

Fondly,
THE GOLDEN BEAR!
(...the golden bear!)

Bear Beginings

When I was just a little cub, I used to watch WWF Superstars on television with my dad and my little brother on Sundays. My mom would go to church leaving the three of us free to crowd around our old mitsubishi telelvision and watch homilies as delivered by the one and only Hulk Hogan.

Let me tell you somethin' brother, there were few better than the Hulkster. I grew up tall, and I grew up straight. I ate wheaties. I said my prayers. I ate my vitamins. I loved my country. I stood up for what I believed in.

I grew up and became The Golden Bear. I grew up to be come the Captain of Candor, the Sultan of Sincerity, the General of Genuineness.

And when I step into that ring, the people can see the 20 years of wrestling education flowing from my body. They can sense, they can feel that I am one of them. That I, like the Hulkster before me , can be the vehicle, the vessle that will take this sport of sports to the next level.

Bear Brigade, we can do this. Together, as one entity, as one unstoppable force we can march to the gates of this Industry and reclaim it by force.

One after another, our opponents will fall until we, together, are standing in the center of the ring, our title, the world heavyweight title raised, above our heads. And we can yell, with one voice, "The Golden Bear!" and then we can whisper, with one voice, "...the golden bear!" And that whisper will echo through the annals of wrestling history for the rest of recorded time.

"..the golden bear! ...the golden bear! ...the golden bear!"

Welcome to The Official Golden Bear Blog!

Hello. Welcome to The Golden Bear's Official Blog. The Golden Bear is thankful for your support. The Golden Bear urges you to sign up for the Official Golden Bear Fan Club, the Bear Brigade.

All Bear Brigade Members recieive:

1. 8x10 glossy signed by The Golden Bear, himself.
2. Personalized e-mails from The Golden Bear, himself.
3. Special deals on tickets for events featuring The Golden Bear, himself.
4. One Official Bear Brigade Badge worn by The Golden Bear, himself.


All of this for the low low price of a 20 dollar, yearly membership. It is a once in a lifetime chance to connect with the man that lives behind the Golden Bear.

If you call now and enter the secret password I'll let you in for half price. This is an incredible deal, one you and your loved ones really can't afford to miss. You can order by phone at 413-559-2318,

-just tell 'em The Bear sent you!


-Me.
-The Bear.
-The Golden One.

P.S. Title shot?