How I Met La Arana Poderoso

I met La Arana Poderoso the other night.

I was sitting on a stool in a bar, drinking a Bud Light. The counter of the bar was long, and I was at the far end, sitting as far away from everyone as possible. I was moping because I was the Golden Bear and I was in Hollywood, California. The Golden Bear had no friends, The Golden Bear had no job, and the Golden Bear had very few Golden dollars. I told the bartender my life's story. His name was Joe. He felt sorry for me and gave me a few beers for free. The beers made me feel worse about myself.

As I sat there drinking beer and wallowing in my self-loathing, I watched the bar fill up. All sorts of people came in from the street. They'd get their drinks and smile and put a few dollars on the table for the bartender. I watched them all come in and I felt sad. I looked down into my Bud Light and stared at the bubbles.

The bar filled up and started to get loud. The Lakers were playing the San Antonio Spurs and people were watching the game on a big-television mounted behind the bar. They were shouting and yelling for the Lakers to win. There was an energy. The noise and the excitement and the alcohol created an invisible, infectious fog; a sort of power that swept through the bar. As I sat there, staring into my beer, I felt something. Something I hadn't felt in so long. Something deep inside of my golden heart.

It was a memory. A night in the past where the energy and the noise and excitement had belonged to me. A night where I had grabbed that energy by it's throat and wrestled it to the ground.

A night when I was THE GOLDEN BEAR!
(...thegoldenbear!)

That night I stood on a table made of wood and I looked at T.T.B. There were red solo scattered at our feet. I looked at him, his blue eyes, his American flag bandana. There were people crowded into the small room and the were looking up at us. Some where afraid. Some were confused. Most were drunk.

I had to do something.

I put my size nine New Balance into T.T.B's mystic stomach. He doubled over in pain. I grabbed his mystic neck. I screamed "THE GOLDEN BEAR!" and I pulled down hard on his neck. Then I Stone-Cold Stunnered his mystic ass right through the fucking table and onto the black and white linoleum floor.

I lay on my bed of wood, beer and red solo cups. I could hear the roar of the crowd. It was mine. Their energy belonged to me. I was the Golden Bear and I was conducting the symphony. I was Mr. Holland and this was my opus.

I shook that golden memory from my golden head. I looked down at my beer. I looked up at the mirror behind the bar. I saw my face. I looked back down at my beer. I grabbed the beer and threw it as hard as I could at the mirror.

I stood up stood up on the bar and I yelled my name.

I said,

"I am the Golden Bear and I am the most adorable wrestler in the world".

I brushed off my shoulders and I raised my head to the heavens.

On the other end of the bar, something stood up. It was tall and skinny. It had a red face and large white teeth. The Golden Bear didn't know what it was. But The Golden Bear knew enough to be afraid. Afraid but ready.



The thing said,

"I am La Arana Poderoso and I know who you are golden bear. I am the lord of the liars and I am the ugliest wrestler you've ever seen. I have come here tonight to destroy you, Golden Bear."

It's voice was high and it hissed as it raised it's long bony finger, beckoning me closer.

I knew what I had to do. I ran towards it, knocking over beer bottles and spilling mixed drinks under my feet. I ran until he was right in front of me. I leap into the air, wrapped my hands around his waist, and drove my shoulder into his stomach. I speared him off the end of the bar.

It was quiet for a moment, as we hung suspended in the air. Then it was loud again as we crashed through a plate glass window and on to the hard concrete pavement. I was bleeding and he was bleeding and neither of us could move because there were shards of glass everywhere. Everyone in the bar was screaming. I was bleeding and I couldn't move and I thought I broke my hand but I didn't care because I was The Golden Bear and I had done it again.

The Police came and took us both to jail.

The Golden Bear and La Arana Poderosa spent the night in a cell for fighting, destruction of property and disorderly conduct. The next night, The Golden Bear was sleeping on La Arana Poderosa's couch.

Senseless violence is weird but awesome way to make friends.