Back in Busthineth...

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

How I Met La Arana Poderoso

I met La Arana Poderoso the other night.

I was sitting on a stool in a bar, drinking a Bud Light. The counter of the bar was long, and I was at the far end, sitting as far away from everyone as possible. I was moping because I was the Golden Bear and I was in Hollywood, California. The Golden Bear had no friends, The Golden Bear had no job, and the Golden Bear had very few Golden dollars. I told the bartender my life's story. His name was Joe. He felt sorry for me and gave me a few beers for free. The beers made me feel worse about myself.

As I sat there drinking beer and wallowing in my self-loathing, I watched the bar fill up. All sorts of people came in from the street. They'd get their drinks and smile and put a few dollars on the table for the bartender. I watched them all come in and I felt sad. I looked down into my Bud Light and stared at the bubbles.

The bar filled up and started to get loud. The Lakers were playing the San Antonio Spurs and people were watching the game on a big-television mounted behind the bar. They were shouting and yelling for the Lakers to win. There was an energy. The noise and the excitement and the alcohol created an invisible, infectious fog; a sort of power that swept through the bar. As I sat there, staring into my beer, I felt something. Something I hadn't felt in so long. Something deep inside of my golden heart.

It was a memory. A night in the past where the energy and the noise and excitement had belonged to me. A night where I had grabbed that energy by it's throat and wrestled it to the ground.

A night when I was THE GOLDEN BEAR!

That night I stood on a table made of wood and I looked at T.T.B. There were red solo scattered at our feet. I looked at him, his blue eyes, his American flag bandana. There were people crowded into the small room and the were looking up at us. Some where afraid. Some were confused. Most were drunk.

I had to do something.

I put my size nine New Balance into T.T.B's mystic stomach. He doubled over in pain. I grabbed his mystic neck. I screamed "THE GOLDEN BEAR!" and I pulled down hard on his neck. Then I Stone-Cold Stunnered his mystic ass right through the fucking table and onto the black and white linoleum floor.

I lay on my bed of wood, beer and red solo cups. I could hear the roar of the crowd. It was mine. Their energy belonged to me. I was the Golden Bear and I was conducting the symphony. I was Mr. Holland and this was my opus.

I shook that golden memory from my golden head. I looked down at my beer. I looked up at the mirror behind the bar. I saw my face. I looked back down at my beer. I grabbed the beer and threw it as hard as I could at the mirror.

I stood up stood up on the bar and I yelled my name.

I said,

"I am the Golden Bear and I am the most adorable wrestler in the world".

I brushed off my shoulders and I raised my head to the heavens.

On the other end of the bar, something stood up. It was tall and skinny. It had a red face and large white teeth. The Golden Bear didn't know what it was. But The Golden Bear knew enough to be afraid. Afraid but ready.

The thing said,

"I am La Arana Poderoso and I know who you are golden bear. I am the lord of the liars and I am the ugliest wrestler you've ever seen. I have come here tonight to destroy you, Golden Bear."

It's voice was high and it hissed as it raised it's long bony finger, beckoning me closer.

I knew what I had to do. I ran towards it, knocking over beer bottles and spilling mixed drinks under my feet. I ran until he was right in front of me. I leap into the air, wrapped my hands around his waist, and drove my shoulder into his stomach. I speared him off the end of the bar.

It was quiet for a moment, as we hung suspended in the air. Then it was loud again as we crashed through a plate glass window and on to the hard concrete pavement. I was bleeding and he was bleeding and neither of us could move because there were shards of glass everywhere. Everyone in the bar was screaming. I was bleeding and I couldn't move and I thought I broke my hand but I didn't care because I was The Golden Bear and I had done it again.

The Police came and took us both to jail.

The Golden Bear and La Arana Poderosa spent the night in a cell for fighting, destruction of property and disorderly conduct. The next night, The Golden Bear was sleeping on La Arana Poderosa's couch.

Senseless violence is weird but awesome way to make friends.

Back On My Two Golden Paws.

The last drawing was me, The Golden Bear, being sad and homeless in the front seat of my 1995 Ford Escort Station wagon, curled up in my pretty pink sleeping bag crying myself to sleep.

I am leaving all of that shit behind me. I have been sadder than Zachary German, I have been more depressed than Tao Lin. I almost changed my middle name to "bitch-ass"". I am not Zachary German, I am not Tao Lin, I am not The Golden "bitch-ass" Bear.

I am the most adorable wrestler in the world, and I am back on my two paws. I am the greatest. I am the best. I am back.

I am The Golden Bear and I am in Hollywood, California and last night I paid a man named "La Arana Poderosa" four hundred dollars to spend the summer sleeping on his couch.

Get ready Bear Brigade. It's almost time to rumble.

Thats Enough Of That.

You will never again see The Golden Bear like this.




Monday, May 26, 2008


Hollywood is bigger and scarier than than The Golden Bear initially thought. Still no house. Still no job. At least the weather is nice.

Today, The Golden Bear walked the Hollywood Walk of Fame because The Golden Bear had nothing better to do. I walked until I found Vince McMahon's star. I sat down next to it and hugged my legs to my body. I sat there staring at the star for like two hours. I thought about my life, and all the people I care about. Then I started to cry. There were lots of people passing me, and they gave me funny looks like I was crazy or something. I guess I sort of am.

The Golden Bear is trying to stay positive about everything, but it has been really hard. The Golden Bear has never really been on his Golden own before, and The Golden Bear didn't realize how much he needs Golden emotional contact with people. I haven't said anything to anyone except, "can The Golden Bear have an application please" for about five days now.

Last night I slept in my car. I got into my pink princess sleeping bag and I whispered, "(...thegoldenbear!)" over and over to myself until I fell asleep. Hearing the words out loud helped me remember that I am still alive.

The Golden Bear's dreams were full of tall wrought-iron gates and the comedian Dave Chappelle.

The Golden Bear woke up worried, afraid, and alone.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

I am arrived.

The Golden Bear is very, very tired. I have made it to Hollywood, California. I have not really slept for three days. The Golden Bear's diet has consisted of amphetamines, Taco Bell Cheesy Gordita Crunches and Coca-Cola. Woof. I think I remember reading somewhere that if you stay awake for more than 48 hours you are certifiably crazy. In the spirit of this I have a few things to say:

Buddha Belly, Charge Card, Skyhook, Airplane, and Howard Stern's Penis.

Thank you, that is enough craziness for now.

The Golden Bear is now homeless, jobless, and totally alone. I am sitting in a Starbuck's using their free wireless internet. I need to sleep. I don't know where I am going to do this. Probably my car. I have my pink princess sleeping bag and a pillow, so I think I will be ok. I hope I don't get robbed or raped in my sleep. I am, after all, adorable.

If you are reading this and you live in Hollywood, please get a hold of me. I might need a place to stay for a few days until I can find a place to rent. I don't have enough money to pay for a hotel. My phone number is (630) 989-1827.

Thanks for reading, and pray for The Golden Bear.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Finally, The Golden Bear, has come back to New York City! Part Two!

We also met Kendra Grant Malone. The Industry, also pictured, has somehow managed to obtain her private diaries. The Golden Bear has read a few entries, and let me tell you they are hott. Hott with two t's. They are coming on Bore Parade. Be excited.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Finally, The Golden Bear, has come back to New York City!

We went to New York City. We met Tao Lin. Zachary German got drunk and told us he was gay. It was fun.

Sunday, May 18, 2008


The Golden Bear is a proud bear.

Friday, May 9, 2008

More About Me

My name is The Golden Bear.

My middle name is now "beer pong" and my favorite food is blueberries.

Golden Beer Pong Bear loves blueberries.

Thursday, May 8, 2008


The Golden Bear writes it with his golden tongue and his big, beautiful, golden lips.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

My Middle Name is Action Figure

My momma named me Golden "Action Figure" Bear.